The Myth of Security

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Bearing in mind recent events surrounding tropical storm Harvey, and another hurricane on the way, this not meant to be insensitive.  I am distressed when I see and hear about hardship — I know what it’s like to have your life turned suddenly upside down.

I’ve been collecting poems and quotations since high school, and in recent years have combined some with my own photos (this one is Lake Michigan on a frigid winter day).  The above quote by Helen Keller is one of my favorites, and it means more because she saw so clearly, despite being blind and deaf.  Expecting to have security in life is unrealistic; it is one reason many people seek therapy.  They come because of a divorce, or job loss, or the death of a loved one. They come because there was an accident, an illness, a past trauma, or a drug and/or alcohol addiction.

The common thread is this: “I didn’t expect my life to turn out his way”.

No one thinks tragedy or misfortune is going to befall them, unless, perhaps, they have already experienced such things. Then they are in a struggle to accept what is — versus wishing it were different.

It’s human nature to shut down and try to ‘avoid danger’, but life happens. While precautions can be taken, there is no way to plan for every possible thing that can go wrong.  People who try to do so can be crippled with anxiety.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to learn this lesson, and had to keep my “face toward change” when I wanted to turn away.  Have I always treated life like a daring adventure?  Not usually. It was easier to face and even welcome change when I was younger, but then,  I was looking for something outside of me to make me feel safe.  Now I know that security comes from the inside, and this is something I try to help others move toward.  It may not be a ‘daring adventure’ but it is a journey, and a rewarding one.

 

 

 

 

What’s emotion got to do with it?

Emotions have a lot to do with a lot, actually.  But not just emotions; we humans are also uniquely capable of reasoning, of logical thought.  To put it simply, we have higher brain functions.  Yet it’s commonly thought that feelings come from the lower, more primitive part of our brains.

So we struggle.

I have struggled for months now to find my voice for this blog.  There is so much on the Internet about mental health and mindfulness and changing one’s thinking — and changing the brain — that the more I read, the more I want to know, and share.  But I have to use my own voice, my own opinions and experiences to communicate.  For the time being, I’m winging it.

What I do know, from my experiences both as a therapist and as a fellow human, is that many of us tend to be ruled by our emotions.  Even if we logically think, for instance, that a person is not good for us, we still feel for the person (or feel guilty, or any number of emotions) and maybe stay too long in a relationship.  I am not making a blanket statement about difficult relationships; just using that as an example.  Of course I believe it’s possible people can change — if they want to.

Not everyone enters counseling because they want to change. Sometimes they need to express those complicated feelings, sometimes they want to understand themselves better, and there are many more reasons. But in order to change, I think a person often needs to make an ongoing effort to understand the interplay between emotions and reason.

To illustrate, an illustration:

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Borrowed from Social Work Toolkit

As you can see, it is a cycle: feel and name the emotion, accept it, rationally look at it, try to understand what it means in a particular situation, and don’t judge yourself for the feeling.  We are human, we have feelings.  That’s a fact.  There is nothing wrong with having a so-called “bad” feeling; it’s what we do with it that matters.

Sounds simple, but it’s not.  It is a delicate task that takes time and effort and practice,  but it’s worth it to make a beginning.

And now I have made my beginning here.